Blended Families

Couples who remarry are less likely to last as long as first marriages. They are even more less likely to fail when children are involved. For a blended family to work the couple needs to have more discussions behind closed doors. The couple needs to talk about how they are going to blend their two different families into one. On average a blended family takes about two years to get to their normalcy.

In a blended family discipline is a very tricky thing to balance. The step parent is not the child's parent so they are more likely to rebel against what the step parent does. It is suggested that the birth parent do all heavy discipline. Even when stepparents have a good relationship with children they are equivalent to a favorite aunt or uncle. These aunts or uncles usually have clear expectations for the children. They are warm, open, accepting and supportive of the parent.

Blended families have so many challenges, but every family does. With work and willingness to try any family can succeed.

"The most important work we will ever do is within the walls of our own home" -Harold B. Lee

Parenting

Parenting styles come in all shapes and sizes. There is no right or wrong way to raise your child because every child is different. Becoming a parent is so nerve racking to me because where do you begin? This week in class I learned about some helpful tips to fit into any parenting style.

When raising children it is important to Encourage them rather than Discourage them.

Here are some ways we can encourage children:

             Encourage

• Build Strengths
• Show Confidence
• Value the Teen/Child as is
• Stimulate Independence

Here are some things we want to avoid doing:

           Discourage

• Focusing on Mistakes and Weaknesses
• Expecting the Worst or Too Little
•  Expecting Too Much
• Over Protective

There are three parts to a Parent Child Relationship. The parts are Warmth, Consistency, and Strictness. Children need warmth so they know you care about them and have their best interest in mind. The warmth creates an open environment so the child can easily communicate. Consistency is good for children because they know what to expect. Strictness is important, but it is also important to make sure that it is not over done. Children are learning so they need firm boundaries so they can learn in a safe environment. The objective for parenting is not to manipulate or control children.

The best way to teach children is by Natural Consequences. Think back to when you were a child about something that you learned. You probably didn't learn it because your parents yelled at you or gave an amazing lecture. Natural Consequences let the child learn on their own. This helps them remember and learn better because it's not something you just told them not to do. There are instances when letting Natural Consequences teach children is not a good idea. 

When You Don't Allow Natural Consequences to Teach

• Consequences are too dangerous
• Consequences are too far in the future
• Consequences impact other

Parenting is always going to be full of ups and downs. It is important to remember that there are many who are going through what you are going through. There are so may sources to help you. You are not alone.

Family Budgeting

Budgeting isn't just managing money, but it is managing ourselves. Many people say that they can't do a budget because as a family they have a hard time working together, but working on a budget will help them start working together. When I was little my parents taught us to budget our money. They taught me to always take 10% out for tithing and at least 20% for savings. My parents would match anything we put into savings until we got a real job. This encouraged us to put money into savings.

A question many families face is whether or not to give children allowances. Should parents pay their children for chores they do? Or does that make the child seem like employees? On the other hand it is really bad for children to learn entitlement. How do children learn certain expectations of the family, but reward them for the work they do? 

When I was growing up I remember my parents never gave me an allowance. I had my set of chores I had to do every day and then whatever my parents asked on top of that. If I wanted to make money my parents had a list of chores that I could do that were things that would be nice to have done, but not necessary. One of these chores was picking rocks out of the garden...I hated this chore, but if I wanted money it was one of the chores I could do. As I got older, but not old enough to get a job, activities with my friends or school activities would come up that rock picking just couldn't pay for. My parents would then pick up the slack at the last minute. This helped me to work my hardest to earn the money for it because they wouldn't always pick up the slack, but when they could tell I was really working hard they were more than willing.

I am so grateful for what my parents taught me about budgeting in my early years because it has helped me so much with budgeting my money now that I am away from home living at college.

Communication and Mutual Problem Solving

How do you communicate? The first thing that comes to mind is using words, but is that what we use most? Is it mostly with your words, nonverbal actions, or tone? On average studies have shown that we communicate with each other using words 14%, nonverbal 51%, and our tone is 35%.  What is the communication process? First we have a thought or feeling which we encode so the other person will understand. Next a medium or media is used, which is tone, words, or nonverbal actions. The other person then decodes the message they are receiving. Then the person has a thought or feeling and the process is then repeated.

Somethings we talked about in class is that how harmful sarcasm is. The reason sarcasm is so harmful is because your words mean one thing but your tone and actions mean different things. This can be very confusing with people you are communicating with. Even though they may know you are joking when it comes to a serious matter they may find it harder to know when you are being sincere. While it is important to be transparent and open that does not mean the same thing as being brutally honest. Just because you thought it doesn't mean you have to share it.

When problems arise with in a family or relationship here are some steps to help you.
1, Express love and appreciation
2. Open with prayer
3. Discuss to consensus
4. Close with prayer
5. Refreshments (have a treat together)

Always remember that problem solving isn't a competition speak with love and kindness. "Get Curious, Not Furious" Don't create problems they will come one their own. There is no way to avoid problems all together but there are ways to come out of them stronger together.


 

The Family Under Stress

What are the things that come to mind when you think of the word stress?  Somethings I thought of were anxiety, headache, challenges, and things not going your way. What about when you think of the word crisis? Crisis to me is something that flips your world around, breaking pointed, and a stress level not kept in check. An easy way I remember the difference between stress and a crisis is stress is like a pole that is getting bent. It doesn't take too much work to bend it back into shape. A crisis would be when that pole snaps in half. A lot more work is needed to make the pole whole again.

If you ask anyone for the most part they just wish all their stresses would go away, but would that be a good thing? In life we need stresses to make us stronger. Just like our bones and muscles need stresses to make them stronger. The stress working out and every day life puts stress on our bodies to keep them strong. I think stress in our lives can also make us strong.

How do we go about stress so that it makes a stronger as a family and so it doesn't drive the family apart? The most important thing to do is to handle stress together. This helps build the relationships between every family member. Don't let stress build up until it becomes a crisis. Be open and talk about things that are causing stress. A good model on how to go about stressful situations is the ABC Model. A stands for Actual Event. Talk about what the situation and what happened. B stands for Both Responses and Resources. Talk about the responses of those who are involved and talk about the resources you have to fix it. C stands for Cognition. Cognition is how each person saw the situation. A, B, and C all add up to be the Total Experience. When you have the total experience it is the easiest to over come the situation correctly. When you take the time to do things correctly the first time, things last longer and require less work later.

Sexual Intimacy and Family Life

Children are getting exposed to sexual things earlier and earlier. The sources they are getting exposed and learning from are things such as other children at school, pornography, TV, the internet, and etc. These are not the best sources to learn from. These sources don't love your child like you do or will. The best way to have your children learn is to be proactive in teaching them. This conversation will probably always be a hard one to get started. A child will probably not be the one to come to you with questions, so it the parents job to start this conversation. Where do you start? On LDS.org there is a entire manual called A Parent's Guide dedicated to properly teaching your child on this subject. The manual has instruction for infants all the way up to what to say to teenagers. Things to teach infants would be about their bodies and how special they are. For teenagers would be the sex talk and the importance of saving it for marriage.

In today's world we are quick to tell children the dangers of pornography, unprotected sex, and sex outside of marriage. Something that doesn't get talked about as much is the beauty of sex and what it brings to a marriage. In a marriage having sex isn't just having sex a better term to use would be making love. It isn't just the action, but emotions, closeness, joy, and selflessness that is expressed. Studies have shown that a healthy sex life is a good indicator of the rest of a relationship. If a couple can communicate successfully about intimacy then they can usually discuss other personal issues in the relationship. While it is important to teach children the dangers of sexual intimacy we should also teach them the joys of sexual intimacy in the right circumstances.

While raising our children we have or will have it is our job to open and help them with question they may have. If we don't answer them or aren't ready to answer them someone else will, but no one will love your child like you do or will.

"Love is not how many times you say I love you but how many times you prove it" 

Transitions in Marriage

Many people look at marriage as a goal to meet. I'm sure we all have heard things like "Oh when we get married things will be better". If only that was the case. Marriage is more like a starting line of a race than a finish line.

After getting married many transitions happen in order to have a happy and successful marriage. In class we made lists of these transitions for the first month and the first year.

First Month  

• Combining Schedules
• Defining Roles
• Setting Boundaries with Family and Friends
• Sharing everything
• Sharing a Bed/Room
• How to talk about important issues

First Year

• Finances
• Schooling
• Habits/Rituals
• Pressure from Family and Friends
• The "Baby Decision" 
• Coping with Disagreements

This list was just a few things that newly married couples have to cope with. When couples experience these struggles they are real and frustrating. Sometimes it is easy to think that if a couple cohabited before marriage it would be easier transition for these types of struggles, but studies have shown that cohabiting actually creates the opposite. Brother Williams used an analogy to explain why. In life people all have their own line. When a couple gets married their two lines join. They now share everything. When a couple only moves in together they are still separate lines. They are parallel lines but still separate. They may share some things like a bed and living space, but for the most part he still has his stuff and she still has her stuff.  Even after couples that got married after cohabiting still had the mindset of cohabiting. 

Marriage is such a special thing because it is the best way to join two separate lives into one.