Blended Families

Couples who remarry are less likely to last as long as first marriages. They are even more less likely to fail when children are involved. For a blended family to work the couple needs to have more discussions behind closed doors. The couple needs to talk about how they are going to blend their two different families into one. On average a blended family takes about two years to get to their normalcy.

In a blended family discipline is a very tricky thing to balance. The step parent is not the child's parent so they are more likely to rebel against what the step parent does. It is suggested that the birth parent do all heavy discipline. Even when stepparents have a good relationship with children they are equivalent to a favorite aunt or uncle. These aunts or uncles usually have clear expectations for the children. They are warm, open, accepting and supportive of the parent.

Blended families have so many challenges, but every family does. With work and willingness to try any family can succeed.

"The most important work we will ever do is within the walls of our own home" -Harold B. Lee

Parenting

Parenting styles come in all shapes and sizes. There is no right or wrong way to raise your child because every child is different. Becoming a parent is so nerve racking to me because where do you begin? This week in class I learned about some helpful tips to fit into any parenting style.

When raising children it is important to Encourage them rather than Discourage them.

Here are some ways we can encourage children:

             Encourage

• Build Strengths
• Show Confidence
• Value the Teen/Child as is
• Stimulate Independence

Here are some things we want to avoid doing:

           Discourage

• Focusing on Mistakes and Weaknesses
• Expecting the Worst or Too Little
•  Expecting Too Much
• Over Protective

There are three parts to a Parent Child Relationship. The parts are Warmth, Consistency, and Strictness. Children need warmth so they know you care about them and have their best interest in mind. The warmth creates an open environment so the child can easily communicate. Consistency is good for children because they know what to expect. Strictness is important, but it is also important to make sure that it is not over done. Children are learning so they need firm boundaries so they can learn in a safe environment. The objective for parenting is not to manipulate or control children.

The best way to teach children is by Natural Consequences. Think back to when you were a child about something that you learned. You probably didn't learn it because your parents yelled at you or gave an amazing lecture. Natural Consequences let the child learn on their own. This helps them remember and learn better because it's not something you just told them not to do. There are instances when letting Natural Consequences teach children is not a good idea. 

When You Don't Allow Natural Consequences to Teach

• Consequences are too dangerous
• Consequences are too far in the future
• Consequences impact other

Parenting is always going to be full of ups and downs. It is important to remember that there are many who are going through what you are going through. There are so may sources to help you. You are not alone.

Family Budgeting

Budgeting isn't just managing money, but it is managing ourselves. Many people say that they can't do a budget because as a family they have a hard time working together, but working on a budget will help them start working together. When I was little my parents taught us to budget our money. They taught me to always take 10% out for tithing and at least 20% for savings. My parents would match anything we put into savings until we got a real job. This encouraged us to put money into savings.

A question many families face is whether or not to give children allowances. Should parents pay their children for chores they do? Or does that make the child seem like employees? On the other hand it is really bad for children to learn entitlement. How do children learn certain expectations of the family, but reward them for the work they do? 

When I was growing up I remember my parents never gave me an allowance. I had my set of chores I had to do every day and then whatever my parents asked on top of that. If I wanted to make money my parents had a list of chores that I could do that were things that would be nice to have done, but not necessary. One of these chores was picking rocks out of the garden...I hated this chore, but if I wanted money it was one of the chores I could do. As I got older, but not old enough to get a job, activities with my friends or school activities would come up that rock picking just couldn't pay for. My parents would then pick up the slack at the last minute. This helped me to work my hardest to earn the money for it because they wouldn't always pick up the slack, but when they could tell I was really working hard they were more than willing.

I am so grateful for what my parents taught me about budgeting in my early years because it has helped me so much with budgeting my money now that I am away from home living at college.

Communication and Mutual Problem Solving

How do you communicate? The first thing that comes to mind is using words, but is that what we use most? Is it mostly with your words, nonverbal actions, or tone? On average studies have shown that we communicate with each other using words 14%, nonverbal 51%, and our tone is 35%.  What is the communication process? First we have a thought or feeling which we encode so the other person will understand. Next a medium or media is used, which is tone, words, or nonverbal actions. The other person then decodes the message they are receiving. Then the person has a thought or feeling and the process is then repeated.

Somethings we talked about in class is that how harmful sarcasm is. The reason sarcasm is so harmful is because your words mean one thing but your tone and actions mean different things. This can be very confusing with people you are communicating with. Even though they may know you are joking when it comes to a serious matter they may find it harder to know when you are being sincere. While it is important to be transparent and open that does not mean the same thing as being brutally honest. Just because you thought it doesn't mean you have to share it.

When problems arise with in a family or relationship here are some steps to help you.
1, Express love and appreciation
2. Open with prayer
3. Discuss to consensus
4. Close with prayer
5. Refreshments (have a treat together)

Always remember that problem solving isn't a competition speak with love and kindness. "Get Curious, Not Furious" Don't create problems they will come one their own. There is no way to avoid problems all together but there are ways to come out of them stronger together.


 

The Family Under Stress

What are the things that come to mind when you think of the word stress?  Somethings I thought of were anxiety, headache, challenges, and things not going your way. What about when you think of the word crisis? Crisis to me is something that flips your world around, breaking pointed, and a stress level not kept in check. An easy way I remember the difference between stress and a crisis is stress is like a pole that is getting bent. It doesn't take too much work to bend it back into shape. A crisis would be when that pole snaps in half. A lot more work is needed to make the pole whole again.

If you ask anyone for the most part they just wish all their stresses would go away, but would that be a good thing? In life we need stresses to make us stronger. Just like our bones and muscles need stresses to make them stronger. The stress working out and every day life puts stress on our bodies to keep them strong. I think stress in our lives can also make us strong.

How do we go about stress so that it makes a stronger as a family and so it doesn't drive the family apart? The most important thing to do is to handle stress together. This helps build the relationships between every family member. Don't let stress build up until it becomes a crisis. Be open and talk about things that are causing stress. A good model on how to go about stressful situations is the ABC Model. A stands for Actual Event. Talk about what the situation and what happened. B stands for Both Responses and Resources. Talk about the responses of those who are involved and talk about the resources you have to fix it. C stands for Cognition. Cognition is how each person saw the situation. A, B, and C all add up to be the Total Experience. When you have the total experience it is the easiest to over come the situation correctly. When you take the time to do things correctly the first time, things last longer and require less work later.

Sexual Intimacy and Family Life

Children are getting exposed to sexual things earlier and earlier. The sources they are getting exposed and learning from are things such as other children at school, pornography, TV, the internet, and etc. These are not the best sources to learn from. These sources don't love your child like you do or will. The best way to have your children learn is to be proactive in teaching them. This conversation will probably always be a hard one to get started. A child will probably not be the one to come to you with questions, so it the parents job to start this conversation. Where do you start? On LDS.org there is a entire manual called A Parent's Guide dedicated to properly teaching your child on this subject. The manual has instruction for infants all the way up to what to say to teenagers. Things to teach infants would be about their bodies and how special they are. For teenagers would be the sex talk and the importance of saving it for marriage.

In today's world we are quick to tell children the dangers of pornography, unprotected sex, and sex outside of marriage. Something that doesn't get talked about as much is the beauty of sex and what it brings to a marriage. In a marriage having sex isn't just having sex a better term to use would be making love. It isn't just the action, but emotions, closeness, joy, and selflessness that is expressed. Studies have shown that a healthy sex life is a good indicator of the rest of a relationship. If a couple can communicate successfully about intimacy then they can usually discuss other personal issues in the relationship. While it is important to teach children the dangers of sexual intimacy we should also teach them the joys of sexual intimacy in the right circumstances.

While raising our children we have or will have it is our job to open and help them with question they may have. If we don't answer them or aren't ready to answer them someone else will, but no one will love your child like you do or will.

"Love is not how many times you say I love you but how many times you prove it" 

Transitions in Marriage

Many people look at marriage as a goal to meet. I'm sure we all have heard things like "Oh when we get married things will be better". If only that was the case. Marriage is more like a starting line of a race than a finish line.

After getting married many transitions happen in order to have a happy and successful marriage. In class we made lists of these transitions for the first month and the first year.

First Month  

• Combining Schedules
• Defining Roles
• Setting Boundaries with Family and Friends
• Sharing everything
• Sharing a Bed/Room
• How to talk about important issues

First Year

• Finances
• Schooling
• Habits/Rituals
• Pressure from Family and Friends
• The "Baby Decision" 
• Coping with Disagreements

This list was just a few things that newly married couples have to cope with. When couples experience these struggles they are real and frustrating. Sometimes it is easy to think that if a couple cohabited before marriage it would be easier transition for these types of struggles, but studies have shown that cohabiting actually creates the opposite. Brother Williams used an analogy to explain why. In life people all have their own line. When a couple gets married their two lines join. They now share everything. When a couple only moves in together they are still separate lines. They are parallel lines but still separate. They may share some things like a bed and living space, but for the most part he still has his stuff and she still has her stuff.  Even after couples that got married after cohabiting still had the mindset of cohabiting. 

Marriage is such a special thing because it is the best way to join two separate lives into one.  

Preparing for Marriage

Choosing who you will marry in life is a huge decision that you hope to only have to make once in your life. The big question is "How do you make the best decision when picking a spouse?" There are so many people on this planet how can we possibly narrow it down to one person?

There are three things that narrow down your search: propinquity, physical appearance, and personal traits. Propinquity is opportunity, culture, shared experiences, and similar interests. Opportunity is the number one thing that narrows down our search. There are so many people on this earth that you just don't get the opportunity to meet and get to know them.  Where you live is usually where you find someone. Culture is what we believe. People who believe things similar to what you believe you are more likely to connect with them. The same goes with shared experiences and similar interests.
Physical appearance is something that draws you towards a person. You have to be attracted to your spouse to some degree. They may not be the most attractive person you have ever seen, but their personality changes that. Researchers have found that on average you marry someone who is similar to your family, by looks and personality. Personal traits is similar to interests and experiences. They shape us to be who we are and people who have the same or have been through the same things are usually more compatible. All of these things play an important role on choosing a spouse.

After all of these things that narrow down our search for a spouse how do we make a relationship work? A good theory to use is the RAM. The RAM stands for Relationship Attachment Model. It has four steps Know, Trust, Rely, Commit, and Touch. All these steps need to be done in that specific order for a relationship to work. Think of all the steps having a lever. Every lever needs to meet the top of the scale before moving on to the next step. As an example if you were to trust someone you were dating before you got to know them there would be higher chances of getting that trust broken. When all these steps are done in the right order the relationship has the highest chances to survive.

Another thing to consider would be the Three T's: Togetherness, Time, and Talk. A relationship must have all three of these in order to succeed. All of the T's result in getting to know someone. If you didn't want to know and continue to get to know someone why would you want to date them or marry them?

Relationships and marriage takes work. It isn't always going to be sunshine and daisies. That's why it's so important our relationships are based on more than just looks and physical touch. I know that it is important that as we look for someone to share the rest of our lives with, that we aren't just looking for a spouse but a best friend.

"Choose your Love; Love your Choice" -President Thomas S. Monson

Gender Roles and Family Life

Over the last couple of decades gender roles and family life has changed dramatically. There is a urge to make everything equal for everyone, whether male or female. Every single person is different. We all have our own strengths and weaknesses this makes the world go round. The differences in people are the best things about the world we live in.

Our different traits allow us to fulfill different roles in our society and in our own families. I think it is important that we realize that all roles are equally important. A father who goes to work to earn a living for his family is as equally important as a mother who stays home to take care of the children. The children also play important roles by learning and developing. Without the father there would be no income for the family to live off of. Without the mother the house would be a mess and the children would be out of control making it hard for them to learn and grow to become a productive member of society. You see every member of the family is important. This is the same for everyone in a society. We need sanitation workers to take away trash just like we need doctors to heal the sick to have a successful society.

Within our genders we have what we have "masculine" and "feminine" traits. In our society we are set on these traits only coming from their assigned gender, but if we see them from the opposite gender they are ridiculed. This in return makes them be an outcast or they suppress the traits. If you were to make a list of traits that were "feminine" and "masculine" you would realize that both genders have traits on both sides. Having traits on both sides is great, you wouldn't want to marry or be friends with someone who only showed traits from one side. Even though we share traits on both sides we still have certain traits we are better at. It's natural and part of our biology to have these differences. Instead of trying to make everyone be the same we should embrace our differences. We can't make it through this world on our own. We need others with differences so we can help each other through this life.  

Social Class and Cultural Diversity

Social classes and different cultures are all around us. We experience them every single day without evening thinking about it. When you think about it the people you spend your time with usually have things in common with you like education, resources, values, behavior, and lifestyle. People who don't share these things with you, you usually don't spend time with them. This is how social classes get defined. In class we watched many videos from the television show People Like Us. These videos showed examples of people in their different social classes. One of the episodes that I really thought was interesting was a lady we would assume was "higher" class was instructing a woman in a "lower" class as her to be high class, by dressing her in a "higher" class way and teaching her a few social aspects of the "higher" class. Later that night the both attended an art gallery. It was interesting that at the gallery the "lower" class woman, even though she had all the physical things to fit in, didn't quite fit in because of the behavior differences she wasn't accustom to. Social classes include more things than just resources that we see up front.

Culture can be a variety of things it can be the place where we are from, what religious group we are apart of, the neighborhood we live in, and even within our own family. In our different cultures there are varying things that we do that other cultures would never do and vice versus. In class, our teacher asked, "Are all cultures valid?" The automatic response for almost everybody was yes, until our teacher started bringing up different cultural beliefs like animal sacrifices, polygamy, and other things that go against what we define in the law as right. Are these cultures valid in doing these things or should their be a line drawn? That then rises the question of who gets to draw that line where it stops? This became very controversial in class because cultures are shaped by feelings, beliefs, and experiences that are all valid, but does that make the actions valid? I personally believe that no culture is completely valid. There is always something that could be done better (not better compared to other cultures, but better within themselves). So what do you think? Is everything in your culture valid?

Understanding Family Dynamics and Theories

The family is such a complex thing because no two families are exactly alike. This makes families hard to study, but this week in class we learned about four theories of how families and relationships work. The four theories are Conflict Theory, Symbolic Interaction Theory, Exchange Theory, and Systems Theory. In a family all these theories can be present at certain times or they can just take bits and pieces of each one. Knowing how relationships and families work can be so important to their success.

The Conflict Theory is a power struggle. One person or group is always trying to have more power than the other person or group that is involved. The Symbolic Interaction Theory is that in a relationship people are always communicating whether it be through words, actions, objects, or gestures. This can lead to many misunderstandings because everybody has their own interpretations of the things that happen to them in the world around us. The Exchange Theory is like a scale. If you give something you will be expecting something in return and vice versa. If a relationship is costing more than you more than the reward the relationship usually doesn't last. The last theory is Systems Theory. A relationship together is better than separate parts. Everyone has different roles and rules that apply to them in the relationship. The roles everyone plays are specific and something only they can fulfill completely. The uniqueness of everyone bringing their strengths and weaknesses to the family is what I think makes the family so great. In today's world sometimes we get caught up in trying to make sure that everything is exactly equal for every single person, but that sometimes takes away our individuality. Just because someone's role is different than yours doesn't mean theirs is more or less important than yours. It just means that it is different. If we were all the same the world would be such a boring place to be.

I love my family so much! I am so grateful that I am sealed to them for time and all eternity. I believe that before we even came to Earth we knew what families we were going to be in. We weren't just randomly sent down here. Our Father in Heaven placed us in specific families so we could fulfill our divine purpose and help each other in the best way possible in returning to our Father in Heaven after our journey here. So the next time you are struggling with your family just remember they need you and you need them because there are certain things you can't do without each other.

Societal Trends and the Family

In our society today there are many trends that we didn't have just a few years ago. As we look at these trends we wonder what impact they have on the family or if they even have an impact on the family at all.

Some of these trends that we studied in class this week were; Cohabitation, Premarital Sex , Childbearing Age, Age of Marriage, Divorce Rate, and Fertility Rate. Statistics show that Cohabitation, Premarital Sex, Childbearing Age, and Age of Marriage are all going up. While the Divorce Rate is stabilizing and the Fertility Rate is going down. How do all of these effect the family? Instead of getting married people are just cohabiting or just having premarital sex instead of getting married. There is no reason to get married when you think you are already receiving the benefits of getting married, because all it really is just a piece of paper. It is more than just a piece of paper! Studies have shown that children do better when they they are raised by a mom and dad who are married. When people eventually decide to get married they are older, which also makes the age of childbearing go up. When the age of child bearing goes up it then effects the Fertility Rate. The older you are the less opportunities you have to bear children. On average throughout the world people are only having one child. This is a huge problem because this means our population is going to start to decrease.  

In the world today many people are putting off having a family to pursue personal and career goals. This, in a way, is very troublesome because families are the very building block of our society. They bring growth and stability to the economy. Families create a stable learning and growing environment for children to be given the best opportunity for success. In "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" it states "THE FAMILY is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity." This means the family is a essential part of our existence. The reason we are here on earth is to gain experience like our Father in Heaven to become like Him and we can't do that if we don't have families of our own. At the very end of the proclamation it says "WE CALL UPON responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures, designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society."  In times like today where the family is being questioned of its importance, we need to stand up for it before it is too late.

Additonal Sources:
Demographic Winter Documentary
LDS.org

Hi my name is Sam! I am in my second semester at BYU-I and am loving it! My major is Child Development. A little bit about me is I was born and raised in Rexburg. I am a licensed Cosmetologist. I love being outside enjoying the sunshine. I am waiting for a missionary. He is in Anaheim, California, and has been out for almost ten months. We dated for two years before he left. I am excited to share the incites I learn this semester about marriages, families, and relationships.